When don’t forgive, you are chained to the past, and you are the one who suffers.
C.S. Lewis once said, “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” Being able to forgive is one of the most heavily saturated topics of self-help there is. Books like “The Shack,” “The Kite Runner,” and “The Story Teller,” paint an excellent picture of the struggle of the individual with the concept of forgiveness, and even its limitations like in “The Sunflower.” However, there is a much older book that offers clarity in this concept, where genuine healing from the inside out can be achieved. Probably one of the most radical examples of forgiveness comes from the Bible in the book of Luke, chapter 23:34, where Jesus, after being tortured, mocked, and hung on the cross as an example of what happens to those who defy the earthly authorities, decided to speak these words, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Even if you do not consider yourself a Christian, there is true power in this example when you consider what it must have taken for those words to come out given the circumstances.
One of the strongest reinforcers to my faith was finally grasping what it actually meant when other Christians would say, “Jesus loved us so much he died for our sins.” As a child, if I’m being honest, I struggled with what that meant. How could someone die for my sins through an act of forgiveness, and more so, how could this happen if the event was in the past, ancient even. It wasn’t until I explored the inner nature of myself, that I learned what this meant.
As a young man nearing the end of my military service, I was brutally attacked by some town locals upon the day of my return from an 11-month deployment in Iraq. Eager to finally be in the good ol’ USA again, I was out enjoying some well-deserved festivities with my shipmates, when I had to depart for home to get some rest in preparation for a duty assignment early the following morning. As I was combing the streets looking for an available taxi (this was pre-Uber), I encountered a group of young men, immediately sensing they were looking for trouble. Before I realized what was happening I was in an aggressive altercation in which I tried to with no avail to defend myself, lasting only a few moments before being knocked unconscious. I woke up in the hospital with a brain injury, fractured orbital socket, damaged left eye, crushed sinus cavities, broken nose, dislocated and shattered shoulder; resulting in five surgeries at the VA and years of mental and physical rehabilitation.
After this event, I struggled with the concept of forgiveness. Even though I tried to forget the incident, emotions of anger and frustration would bubble to the surface when encountering my new physical and mental limitations. After years of being angry and frustrated about the events in my past, things changed when I decided to dedicate my life to God. What started as a genuine curiosity of what convicted people so much about Jesus, turned into a real relationship. I discovered I could learn about what God had to say about the topic of forgiveness, and who better to learn from. By absorbing God’s wisdom through the teachings of his one and only son, I decided to act. I dedicated my life to learning what I could about this topic and use my knowledge and experiences for the good of others. From these experiences I’ve learned forgiveness can best be accomplished by understanding four principals. Like the corner pillars of any strong temple, these truths can offer support and stability.
1. Forgiveness is not forgetting - We can easily adopt the belief that one way of letting go of our anger or problematic thoughts associated with events in our past is to let them go, attempting to forget all about them, and put the past in the past. However, this not only can be an arduous process, it really is not that helpful. When we bury things in our past, they don’t leave, they simply sit idyll in our sub-conscious, and the repressed emotions associated with the memories of our past seep out into our daily lives in unhealthy ways.
2. Forgiveness is not reconciliation of the past - Another concept that can keep us entangled in our struggle with forgiveness is the belief that we can fix the events in the past in order to increase our ability to let go of them. Forgiveness is not dependent on reconciliation, though reconciliation in the present can be achieved. In other words, if the person who hurt you, is no longer living, it would be impossible to repair or fix the past, however if the person is willing to communicate and work on repairing the relationship, then reconciliation is possible, but the forgiveness process is not dependent upon it.
3. Forgiveness is understanding - On of the biggest tools at our disposal is our ability to think objectively at moments when our emotions attempt to dictate our actions. For the same reason that a child eventually learns it’s no longer affective to throw a tantrum to get a desired toy, we learn as adults that by controlling our emotions we can become more effective in almost all aspects of communication (though we are all works of progress in this area). It’s our ability to look at events in our past from another perspective, taking in the other’s perspectives into account. This does not necessarily mean taking the other’s perspectives into account will fix the situation, however it is a key element to the forgiveness process. We need to be able to see there is always another perspective than ours; which in-turn will offer a more comprehensive view. We do this by speaking directly with the person (if possible), consulting with friends and family, through prayer, or by allowing time to perform its ultimate healing work by offering us space in which to reflect.
4. Forgiveness is inner healing - Jim Rohn, a motivational speaker, has an excellent speech related to inner forgiveness. He stated...
“One day I dropped my keys on the way out the door as the power simultaneously went out. While searching in the dark a single lit light-post down the street caught my eye. So, I decided to look out there. Upon looking for my keys under the light, a neighbor approached and inquired about what I was looking for. After telling him about dropping my keys, he was obliged to help me search. He asked, ‘Where did you have them last?’ I replied, ‘I dropped them in the house before the power went out.' Now you can imagining the bewilderment on his face when he asked, ‘Well, Jim why the heck are you looking for them out here?!’ To which I replied, ‘Well, this is where the light is...’”
As Jim points out, that is so often what we do with our problems, we tend to fix our attention and shine our light on the outside world, and tell ourselves the solution to our problems lie somewhere externally. However, our healing truly comes from within. Now this is not to say we cannot receive physical healing externally, we absolutely can, Jesus proved this during his three-year ministry, performing several miracles of healing. However, with forgiveness, the healing is internal, in our heart. When we truly forgive, we may still remember, we may not have the opportunity for reconciliation, but the shackles that bind us to the pain and suffering related to our past are no longer there, we have truly let go.
When we understand these concepts and continue to struggle with event(s) in our past, it may be helpful to follow Jesus’ example. He had every human reason not to forgive those who strung him up on the cross, however he chose to anyway. When we decide to forgive others, it’s an act. Sometimes that act can have a ripple effect, which can later impact us in ways which we can’t imagine. Look at what happened after Jesus’ radical act of forgiveness, it completely reshaped with world and has done so for over two-thousand years. Releasing someone from the act they commit while here on earth, even if they are unwilling to change or realize how their actions impact people around hem (“for they know not what they do”) is an element of love, and ultimately love is healing. When we express love to others, despite their injustices, then pain and suffering have no power in our hearts.
Written by: Matt McKeithan, PSB
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are that of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of EastSide Christian Counseling.
